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Frequently, I am asked how to handle irrational jealous
feelings. Usually, the individual recognizes that her feelings
are unreasonable with no valid evidence but feels incapable of
controlling the jealousy. In addition, the person usually
recognizes the destructive nature of indulging in the feelings
and the resulting behavior. Such behavior typically involves
excessive questioning of her spouse, suspiciousness, and
accusations. Many spouses become extremely frustrated with this
behavior because they have no way of proving their
faithfulness. This leads to an escalating cycle of anger which
is used as further evidence by the jealous spouse that her
suspicions are correct.
The
jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but
finds that he can't control the thoughts which makes him feel
miserable. He believes that if he can just prove his suspicions
one way or another, he will feel better. The unfortunate
fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never be proven; it
can only be disproved. The definition of trust is the belief
that something is true. Therefore, without evidence to the
contrary, if we want a satisfying relationship, we have to
choose to trust the person we love.
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Although
sports psychology is still in its infancy, a tremendous amount
of interest has been generated by the potential of psychological
principles to enhance athletic performance. In particular, the
dedication to empirical examination of the tenets of
cognitive-behavioral theory has led to more effective clinical
techniques which have been intuitively appealing to sport
psychology consultants. As a result, psychological methods were
implemented to enhance performance prior to solid research
support. However, recent reviews of studies conducted in the
last approximately fifteen years have shown the psychological
methods to be useful in the area of sports performance
enhancement (Greenspan & Feltz, 1989; Weinberg and Comar, 1994).
(Click to
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"...sports psychology can assist martial artists with achieving
peak performance in both katas and sparring." |
Recommended
Books
Self-Esteem
by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
This
outstanding self-help book offers a step-by-step program for
building self-esteem by learning how to talk back to the
critical inner voice, foster compassion, handle mistakes and
criticism, and use hypnosis and visualization for
self-acceptance.
Enhancing self-esteem is a critical first step towards resolving
many issues including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or
jealousy. The cognitive component of self-esteem refers to
self-statements that influence goal setting, performance, and
outcome. This book is useful for anyone wanting to improve
effectiveness. |
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After
experiencing severe heart palpitations and shortness of breath
while driving, Diane rushed to the emergency room of the nearest
hospital. Extensive tests showed no physical abnormalities or
problems. She was told she had a panic attack and was given
Xanax, an anti-anxiety medication. As a result of the panic
attack, she quit driving by herself because she became fearful
of having another panic attack and losing control while
driving. Whenever she would attempt to drive by herself, she
would have a panic attack. Her family physician explained to
her that Panic Disorder was a chemical imbalance and that
medication helps to regulate the chemicals in the brain.
Imipramine, an anti-depressant, was prescribed in addition to
the Xanax. Diane found that she began to feel less anxious with
the medications, but that she was still avoiding the driving due
to her fear of having a panic attack. Additionally, she became
concerned about needing to be on the medication for a long time
and wondered if any other treatment could help.
The
fear of making mistakes ruled George's life. Everything he did,
he checked over and over again to make sure he didn't make a
mistake. Sometimes the need to be perfect became so
overwhelming that he procrastinated on particularly difficult
tasks. This time-consuming checking caused him considerable
problems at work because he couldn't complete his assignments in
a timely fashion. He went to see a therapist who helped him to
understand the history of his fear of making mistakes and how it
related to the criticism he received throughout childhood.
However, he still was fearful of making mistakes and on the
verge of losing his job. He finally quit therapy in
frustration.
What do
these two cases have in common? They are both anxiety disorders
and they did not receive the treatment of choice for anxiety
disorders: cognitive-behavioral treatment. The treatment they
received may have been beneficial to a degree, but it did not
address all aspects of the disorder.
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If women could just change
one thing, they would find that they could have almost
everything they want in a relationship. Of
course, I'm talking about women who are married to the average
decent non-abusive man. I don't know how
often I've heard a woman say, "But I shouldn't have to ask."
Frequently, they have all sorts of expectations of their
partner and become resentful and angry when he doesn't fulfill
those expectations. However, when I ask what
he said when they asked for what they wanted, they either
respond with "I shouldn't have to ask" or with "I told him once.
I shouldn't have to keep telling him."
These attitudes are
self-defeating and often destructive to a relationship.
If women could learn to ask for what they want and ask
often, many women could have the relationship of their dreams.
When I tell women this, then they typically respond, "But
he'll think I'm nagging him." The problem
with this thinking is that women don't understand how men
communicate.
Men are usually very
direct in their communication. When they
talk with one another they say exactly what they want.
A man would say to a friend, "I'm going to be near your
office today. Let's meet for lunch."
A woman is more likely to say especially when talking to
a man," I have an appointment near your office today," hoping
that the man will get the hint and suggest lunch.
This may be a reasonable approach if the woman doesn't
know the man very well and wants to test his interest without
making a full commitment. However, the
problem is women use the same approach with their husbands!
"But I shouldn't have to ask." (Click
to continue).
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Articles
on Issues in Sport Psychology:
Articles
on Issues in Wellness:
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Romantic Jealousy: Causes,
Symptoms, Cures
by
Ayala Malach Pines
What causes jealousy? Who
is more prone to jealousy--women or men? Why does jealousy
sometimes lead to violence? How can you tell if you are a
jealous person? Dr. Pines draws on case studies from her
clinical practice, jealousy workshops, and fascinating research
with more than 100 individuals and couples--including interviews
with people who have committed crimes of passion. Exploring the
many facets of this complex emotion, Dr. Pines discusses five
psychological approaches to jealousy--covering such issues as
whether jealousy is the result of unresolved childhood trauma,
the dynamics within a specific relationship, or the consequence
of our evolutionary nature. Romantic Jealousy offers
real-life stories, simple quizzes, and an in-depth jealousy
questionnaire aimed at helping readers assess their
predisposition to jealousy and providing strategies to control
their jealous urges. The advice offered can be applied to gay
and straight couples, to those who suffer from a jealousy
problem or know of a loved one who does, and for psychologists
and counselors to use with their clients as a tool in therapy.
Romantic Jealousy provides us with a compelling account
of the psychology of jealousy. Dr. Pines journeys into the deep
recesses of the human mind and heart, exposing the dynamics of
jealousy--its causes, symptoms, and danger signs--and the most
effective strategies available for keeping jealousy under
control. |
