MAKING
MISTAKES TO ENHANCE SELF-ESTEEM
By Monica A. Frank,
Ph.D.
The vast majority of my clients with anxiety disorders are
perfectionists. Additionally,
perfectionism is extremely pervasive in our culture generally. However, the
typical response when I inquire about perfectionism is, “Oh, no, I’m not a
perfectionist. I’m far from perfect.” Such a response indicates a lack of
understanding regarding the concept of perfectionism.
PERFECTIONISM
DEFINED
Perfectionism is the belief that one must attain perfection or one is a
failure. Perfectionism is an extreme distortion of the concept “Do your
best” when an individual believes that his or her “best” means,
“perfect.” The individual be-comes fearful of making mistakes and may
experience stress, anxiety, and depression as a result.
Some typical perfectionistic beliefs include:
“It
is absolutely necessary that everyone like me and approve of me.”
“I
must be absolutely competent and perfect in everything I undertake.”
“If
I make a mistake, I am a miserable failure.”
“I’d
rather not try than to make a mistake.”
“It’s
terrible to ever be embarrassed or to appear foolish.”
“A
perfect relationship is possible if I just find the right person.”
WHY
IS PERFECTIONISM A PROBLEM?
Another response I often hear from people is, “Sure I’m a
perfectionist. What’s wrong with that?” The problem is that perfectionistic
beliefs undermine an individual’s self-esteem and wreak havoc with
relationships.
Consider. Two students work hard on their term papers and both attain a
94 out of a possible 100 points earning each of them an A. Which student will
feel better about him or herself? The
one that comments, “I did my best and I achieved a good grade,” or the one
that states, “I wonder what I did wrong--why didn’t I get 100 points?” The
one who overly criticizes his or her performance will feel worse.
Over time, this self-critical attitude will affect performance. As
perfectionistic beliefs increase an individual’s stress or anxiety, his or her
ability to perform complex and/or mental tasks will decrease. Thus, such
attitudes affect job performance, school performance, and even everyday tasks.
For instance, in the job context, an individual may become afraid to
share ideas and take risks for fear of making a mistake or appearing foolish.
The employee may become so focused on the details of the job that he or
she becomes unable to complete a task.
In fact, procrastination and paralysis are common features associated
with perfectionism. The perfectionist becomes so fearful of making a mistake
that he or she waits to the last possible moment when caught between two
beliefs--one focused upon displeasing someone by making a mistake and the other
focused upon displeasing someone by not completing the task. Additionally, a
person may procrastinate as a way to save face.
It’s often easier to rationalize by saying, “I would have done better
if I had more time.”
In severe cases of perfectionism, the individual may experience complete
paralysis. He or she may quit trying even simple tasks because the tasks become
so aversive.
Finally, perfectionists may find that relationships are detrimentally
affected by their behavior because the perfectionist not only has high
expectations for him or herself, but also for other people. This means that he
or she may tend to be overly critical or demanding of other people, especially
those close to him or her.
IS
PERFECTIONISM A COMMON PROBLEM?
Although the degree of perfectionism may vary consider-ably from mild
traits that do not interfere with an individual’s functioning to severe traits
that cause complete dysfunction, it is very common in this culture. In the
United States, a media that has depicted perfection has heavily influenced us.
We see commercials in which a woman mops floors wearing a dress and pearls.
We watch television programs in which the children are always well
behaved or where the problems can be resolved in 30 minutes. Print ads use
models with perfect bodies and attractive features. Wherever we turn, we are
inundated with the message of perfection. If
we don’t achieve these standards, we come to believe something is wrong with
us. As a result, perfectionistic traits have become common in the population of
the United States.
Additionally, perfectionists are overly represented in the anxiety
disorders and depressive disorders which comprise approximately 20% of the
population. The perfectionism may
contribute to the anxiety and depression as the individual is unable to achieve
the standards he or she believes are necessary to meet.
WHAT
CAN BE DONE ABOUT PERFECTIONISM?
First, it is important to be aware of your perfectionistic beliefs.
When you are experiencing stress, depression, or anxiety, write down a
description of the event and then record a list of your thoughts related to the
event. For example, you have a job
interview planned and you are feeling anxious.
The thoughts you write may be similar to the following: “What if I blow
the interview? I never do well. I’ll never amount to anything. I’m just a
failure. I may as well not even try.”
Once you begin to examine your thoughts on a regular basis, it will be
difficult to ignore the thought process that contributes to your experience of
stress, depression, or anxiety. After you become aware of these thoughts, you
want to examine them and determine the irrational ideas they may contain. For
instance, in the above example, the individual is engaging in catastrophic
thinking, all or nothing thinking, and hopelessness. Catastrophic thinking
occurs when a person thinks that the worst possible thing will happen.
It can often be distinguished by “what if” questions. All or nothing
thinking, common for perfectionists, is the belief that everything can be
categorized as opposites--good/bad, black/white--with no shades of gray.
Therefore, a person either succeeds or fails; there are no degrees of success.
All or nothing thinking can often be detected by use of the words always or
never. Hopelessness is the irrational belief that the person already knows the
future outcome of his or her action and has no control over future events, and
therefore, need not attempt to change the situation.
The task, once you have determined your irrational thinking pattern, is
to challenge and change the beliefs that contribute to your stress and
dysfunction. If you have correctly identified the irrational beliefs, you can
challenge them directly. For instance, with catastrophic thinking, you can state,
“The worst possible thing is not the thing likely to happen.” For all or
nothing thinking, you can state, “It is not true that I always fail.”
When people try to change their irrational perfectionistic thinking, they
often think they should be able to use these statements just once in order to
change. But think of how many times you have used the perfectionistic statements
in your lifetime. An adequate
challenge to these beliefs must be frequent and consistent.
Finally, the strongest challenge to irrational beliefs is opposing
experiential evidence. In other words, you want to experience making mistakes as a
positive influence in your life. Making mistakes gives us the opportunity to
learn and to grow. As you overcome your fear of making mistakes, you will be
able to take risks. The ability to take risks is what allows a person to be
successful in a career and in personal relationships.
One way to experience mistakes is taking the opportunity to deliberately
make them. First of all, identify
situations that are fearful for you such as dropping papers in front of your
boss or calling a colleague by the wrong name. Then, deliberately engage in the
behavior while using rational self-statements to help yourself cope. One thing
to remember in this process is that what one person may consider a mistake, may
not bother another person. The important thing is to face life’s challenges by
risking mistakes. In doing so, you will become more self-confident and will be
able to accomplish more because your fears will not inhibit you.
Copyright © 2000