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JEALOUSY
IN
RELATIONSHIPS
Featured Article:
 As a
child Cynthia's hyperactive behavior often annoyed others. Her
teachers frequently reprimanded her in school. The other students
called her "stupid" and refused to let her join them in activities.
At home, her father criticized her and beat her with a belt whenever her
parents received a negative report from school. Due to depression,
her mother tended to ignore Cynthia's needs for emotional support and
attention. As a result, she grew up expecting rejection from
others. It seemed that no matter how hard she tried, all she
experienced was rejection.
As an adult she had numerous unsuccessful
relationships. She desperately wanted the acceptance to be found in a
relationship; however, she perceived her partner's behavior negatively often
thinking about how he wasn't as committed to the relationship and that she was
just good enough until someone else came along. These thoughts led to
hostility toward him and accusations "You don't care about me!" Due to her
focus on her worries about losing him she did not focus on his needs and provide
him with emotional support. Her partner tried to reassure her and comfort
her at first but the constant negativity and hostility drained his ability to
respond to her needs.
(Click to continue).
"...rejection sensitivity often leads to
misinterpretations of others' behavior and irrational jealousy leading
to problematic relationship behaviors... (which) cause dissatisfaction
and termination of the relationship reinforcing the irrational thinking
about the likelihood of rejection. |
Frequently, I am asked how to handle
irrational jealous feelings. Usually, the individual recognizes that her
feelings are unreasonable with no valid evidence but feels incapable of
controlling the jealousy. In addition, the person usually recognizes the
destructive nature of indulging in the feelings and the resulting
behavior. Such behavior typically involves excessive questioning of her
spouse, suspiciousness, and accusations. Many spouses become extremely
frustrated with this behavior because they have no way of proving their
faithfulness. This leads to an escalating cycle of anger which is used as
further evidence by the jealous spouse that her suspicions are correct.
The
jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but finds that he
can't control the thoughts which makes him feel miserable. He believes
that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel
better. The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never
be proven; it can only be disproved. The definition of trust is the belief
that something is true. Therefore, without evidence to the contrary, if we
want a satisfying relationship, we have to choose to trust the person we love.
(Click to continue).
"...an individual who is prone to irrational jealousy may have problems with low
self-esteem, feelings of insecurity, fear of vulnerability, or fear of
abandonment." |
I had some good questions on
my website regarding handling a partner's irrational jealousy. The
reason I wrote the article What to Do When Your
Jealousy Threatens to Destroy Your Marriage for the individual with the
problem jealousy is because until that person decides to make changes nothing
can be done to eliminate their jealousy. That article has been very popular and
many people have indicated to me that they are trying to change their behavior
after reading it. However, there are many other people who are not recognizing
their jealous behavior and so their partners are writing to me asking what to
do.
Just because the person
with the jealousy problem is the only one who can change it doesn't mean that
there is nothing that you, as the partner, can do about your partner's
jealousy. However, the steps you can take may be very challenging and don't
come without risk. If you truly want a chance for your partner to change, the
best place to start is with yourself. By changing how you respond to your
partner's jealousy you will develop a greater understanding of how difficult it
is to make changes. This increases your empathy for your partner especially if
he/she is trying to make changes. However, it may also make you less tolerant
of someone refusing to recognize their problem or do anything about it. This
could be a healthy thing for you because you are less likely to remain in a
destructive relationship. (Click
to continue).
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Recommended
Book
Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques
for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your
Self-Esteem
By Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
The
Self-esteem Companion: Simple Exercises to Help You Challenge
Your Inner Critic & Celebrate Your Personal Strengths
By Patrick Fanning, Carole
Honeychurch, Catharine Sutker
|
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Recommended
Book--
Jealousy
|
"To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the
betrayer."
Betrayal is probably the most devastating loss a person can experience.
To be betrayed, the person must first experience trust in the betrayer.
It is fairly impossible for you to be betrayed if you did not trust the
individual in the first place. Therefore, the definition of
betrayal involves the act of someone violating your trust in them.
The betrayal I am discussing in this article refers to a variety of
forms of betrayal. For instance, a child is betrayed when he or
she is abused by the parents who are supposed to love, support, and
protect the child. A spouse is betrayed when their partner has an
affair. Betrayal is when someone you trust lies to you, cheats on
you, abuses you, or hurts you by putting their own self-interest first.
(Click to
continue.) |
Recommended
Book--
Jealousy
Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures
By
Ayala Mal Pines |
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