Child's Self-Esteem

"Filling the Backpack!": Understanding and Improving a Child's Self-Esteem
By Christine M. Rankin, Ph.D.

Understanding and improving your child's self-esteem is not as difficult as you might think...very, very important, but not very difficult once you know how. There are two parts of self-esteem to remember: a) identity as an individual, and b) identity as a member of a larger group. Both parts are equally important and both parts need to be nurtured. (pssst....both parts apply to adults as well as children, so please, read on!)

PART I: IDENTITY AS AN INDIVIDUAL
Identity as an individual refers to what a child knows and accepts about him/herself apart from any other person or activity in which the child is involved. Children "carry" this part of self-esteem with them, like a backpack, wherever they go. These traits and qualities make the child feel unique and special. Initially, these qualities are identified and reinforced by parents and other important adults in a child's life. Eventually, the child will "internalize" these qualities, or keep them inside their backpack for future use.

These are qualities that the child is proud of, and it is very important that parents and other important adults in a child's life label these traits as positive, not negative. For example, Johnny isn't a "destructive" child because he takes apart all of his toys; rather, see Johnny as "curious" and "inventive," and interact with him accordingly. Reinforce these more positive traits by choosing toys that he can take apart and rebuild into creations of his own invention.

Encourage children to develop their own special style. By recognizing their uniqueness, you will nurture the formation of his/her individual identity. Support the child's interests and talents by searching out other activities that are similar. For example, enroll your child in drama or dance classes if your child likes pretending or dancing to music. Rather than repeatedly punish Bobby for fighting, sign him up for judo classes where he can learn to channel his aggressive tendencies in a more appropriate and socially acceptable way.

Help children to figure out and talk about what they like and don't like. This is the first step toward learning what it means to have your own opinion, and that others can have the same of different opinions. Opinions indicate that a child's sense of identity as an individual is being created. Begin at a very young age to encourage opinions: "Your dad doesn't like roller coasters, but I do. Do you like roller coasters, Susie?"

Next, help the child put into words why he/she likes or dislikes a particular activity, a certain food, an animal, etc. For example, "I like roller coaster because I like to go fast and feel the wind rushing by my face. Why do you like them, Susie?"

Once you know the opinion of your child, mention it in conversation to others: "Yesterday, Susie and I talked about roller coasters, and she seems to like them as much as I do!" This communicates to the child that you know something special about her and that it is important enough to tell other people about it.

Make the time that you spend with a child important...whatever the activity might be. Any time spent with an adult can be time well spent for a child. It takes extra effort (but is oh, so worth it!) on the part of the adult to make this happen. Making a salad with dad, or getting mail with step-mom are simple, but excellent opportunities to engage with a child.

Whatever the task, give the child a small role or responsibility so that he/she will contribute to the successful completion of the activity: "Joshua, I would like you to wash the tomatoes for the salad while I cut the carrots into little pieces. Here's a chair for you to stand on so that you can reach the sink.

Once the activity is finished, talk to others about the child's contribution to the final product: "Honey, make sure you sample the salad that Joshua and I created. He had to stand on a chair, but he washed all of the tomatoes!"

Positive feelings about even a small accomplishment can be tucked away in their backpack of self-esteem: they've learned that they are capable and can make an important contribution.

Talk with a child about what you like about them. Tell them what parts of their personality you enjoy the most: "Jodie, you sure have a good sense of humor. I like that because you know how to make me laugh!" This enables the child to understand what is likable about them. Later on, when they need to, they can pull these likable traits out of their backpack of self-esteem and use them in other situations.

Communicate how important his/her relationship is to you: "I look forward to spending time with you, Robin. You are important to me." The child learns not only that they are worth your time, but your relationship with them is something that you cherish.

PART II: IDENTITY AS A MEMBER OF A LARGER GROUP
Just as important as a sense of individual identity is learning how to be a part of larger groups. We don't live in isolation but instead live in a society that values and encourages interdependency. Therefore, in addition to carrying a backpack full of individual self-esteem, it is equally as important for a child to feel as though they belong to or are a part of a larger group.

Groups include the family, the child's class at school, a sports team, or a club. Group participation highlights the need for good social skills, working with others to achieve a common goal, and a willingness to interact and depend on others within the group.

Group projects in school, for example, allow children to learn the strengths and weaknesses of themselves and other group members. The group must pull together and pool their resources to achieve a successful outcome.

Good social skills are essential to a successful identity as a member of a larger group. Proper manners, hygiene, respecting others, "rolling with the punches," and a willingness to do his/her share of the work are important indicators of social skill. Practice these skills at home: "Brenda, as a family, we count on you to unload the dishwasher in the morning so that we'' have enough dishes to use during the day. How can we help you to remember this responsibility?"

Compromise and problem solving contribute to the healthy functioning of a group. Both skills enhance members' self-esteem since opinions are respected and decisions are made as a group. Teach children to listen and repeat back another person's point of view. Whenever possible, "win-win" solutions should be encouraged. Children learn that if they give a little, they can get a little in return.

Use listening skills to enhance self-esteem in children. Although we claim to do it everyday, listening is an acquired skill. Listening skills can be used in any social interaction and should not change when conversing with children. With initial encouragement, most children have something to say and want to be heard.

The content of what children have to say changes according to development: "I like Elmo because he's red and he's silly!" vs. "I learned about evaporation in science today. Can I tell you about it?"

The process of listening is what's most important. The following type of "interrupted listening," for example should be avoided: "What was that? Could you bring your cereal bowl in from the table? I'm trying to clean up the kitchen. What were you talking about again?" Five minutes of real listening means so much more than an hour of interrupted listening.

Let the child know if you cannot listen with attention. Schedule an appointment with the child at a specific time later in the day: "Karen, I want to hear about your fight with Jane, but I have to make a phone call first. Can we meet in 30 minutes so I can listen to all the details?"

In summary, the Golden Rule still applies: "Treat others (including kids) the way that you would like to be treated," and you will succeed in helping your child fill his/her backpack of self-esteem for future use.

Christine M. Rankin, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist