Behavioral Consultants

Frequently, I am asked how to handle irrational jealous feelings. Usually, the individual recognizes that her feelings are unreasonable with no valid evidence but feels incapable of controlling the jealousy. In addition, the person usually recognizes the destructive nature of indulging in the feelings and the resulting behavior. Such behavior typically involves excessive questioning of her spouse, suspiciousness, and accusations. Many spouses become extremely frustrated with this behavior because they have no way of proving their faithfulness. This leads to an escalating cycle of anger which is used as further evidence by the jealous spouse that her suspicions are correct.

The jealous spouse often desperately wants to stop the behavior but finds that he can't control the thoughts which makes him feel miserable. He believes that if he can just prove his suspicions one way or another, he will feel better. The unfortunate fallacy in this thinking, is that trust can never be proven; it can only be disproved. The definition of trust is the belief that something is true. Therefore, without evidence to the contrary, if we want a satisfying relationship, we have to choose to trust the person we love. (Click to continue).

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Although sports psychology is still in its infancy, a tremendous amount of interest has been generated by the potential of psychological principles to enhance athletic performance. In particular, the dedication to empirical examination of the tenets of cognitive-behavioral theory has led to more effective clinical techniques which have been intuitively appealing to sport psychology consultants. As a result, psychological methods were implemented to enhance performance prior to solid research support. However, recent reviews of studies conducted in the last approximately fifteen years have shown the psychological methods to be useful in the area of sports performance enhancement (Greenspan & Feltz, 1989; Weinberg and Comar, 1994). (Click to continue).

Recommended
Books

Self-Esteem
by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning

This outstanding self-help book offers a step-by-step program for building self-esteem by learning how to talk back to the critical inner voice, foster compassion, handle mistakes and criticism, and use hypnosis and visualization for self-acceptance.

Enhancing self-esteem is a critical first step towards resolving many issues including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or jealousy. The cognitive component of self-esteem refers to self-statements that influence goal setting, performance, and outcome. This book is useful for anyone wanting to improve effectiveness.

After experiencing severe heart palpitations and shortness of breath while driving, Diane rushed to the emergency room of the nearest hospital. Extensive tests showed no physical abnormalities or problems. She was told she had a panic attack and was given Xanax, an anti-anxiety medication. As a result of the panic attack, she quit driving by herself because she became fearful of having another panic attack and losing control while driving. Whenever she would attempt to drive by herself, she would have a panic attack. Her family physician explained to her that Panic Disorder was a chemical imbalance and that medication helps to regulate the chemicals in the brain. Imipramine, an anti-depressant, was prescribed in addition to the Xanax. Diane found that she began to feel less anxious with the medications, but that she was still avoiding the driving due to her fear of having a panic attack. Additionally, she became concerned about needing to be on the medication for a long time and wondered if any other treatment could help.

The fear of making mistakes ruled George's life. Everything he did, he checked over and over again to make sure he didn't make a mistake. Sometimes the need to be perfect became so overwhelming that he procrastinated on particularly difficult tasks. This time-consuming checking caused him considerable problems at work because he couldn't complete his assignments in a timely fashion. He went to see a therapist who helped him to understand the history of his fear of making mistakes and how it related to the criticism he received throughout childhood. However, he still was fearful of making mistakes and on the verge of losing his job. He finally quit therapy in frustration.

What do these two cases have in common? They are both anxiety disorders and they did not receive the treatment of choice for anxiety disorders: cognitive-behavioral treatment. The treatment they received may have been beneficial to a degree, but it did not address all aspects of the disorder. (Click to continue).

If women could just change one thing, they would find that they could have almost everything they want in a relationship. Of course, I'm talking about women who are married to the average decent non-abusive man. I don't know how often I've heard a woman say, "But I shouldn't have to ask." Frequently, they have all sorts of expectations of their partner and become resentful and angry when he doesn't fulfill those expectations. However, when I ask what he said when they asked for what they wanted, they either respond with "I shouldn't have to ask" or with "I told him once. I shouldn't have to keep telling him."

These attitudes are self-defeating and often destructive to a relationship. If women could learn to ask for what they want and ask often, many women could have the relationship of their dreams. When I tell women this, then they typically respond, "But he'll think I'm nagging him." The problem with this thinking is that women don't understand how men communicate.

Men are usually very direct in their communication. When they talk with one another they say exactly what they want. A man would say to a friend, "I'm going to be near your office today. Let's meet for lunch." A woman is more likely to say especially when talking to a man," I have an appointment near your office today," hoping that the man will get the hint and suggest lunch. This may be a reasonable approach if the woman doesn't know the man very well and wants to test his interest without making a full commitment. However, the problem is women use the same approach with their husbands! "But I shouldn't have to ask." (Click to continue).

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Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures
by Ayala Malach Pines

What causes jealousy? Who is more prone to jealousy--women or men? Why does jealousy sometimes lead to violence? How can you tell if you are a jealous person? Dr. Pines draws on case studies from her clinical practice, jealousy workshops, and fascinating research with more than 100 individuals and couples--including interviews with people who have committed crimes of passion. Exploring the many facets of this complex emotion, Dr. Pines discusses five psychological approaches to jealousy--covering such issues as whether jealousy is the result of unresolved childhood trauma, the dynamics within a specific relationship, or the consequence of our evolutionary nature. Romantic Jealousy offers real-life stories, simple quizzes, and an in-depth jealousy questionnaire aimed at helping readers assess their predisposition to jealousy and providing strategies to control their jealous urges. The advice offered can be applied to gay and straight couples, to those who suffer from a jealousy problem or know of a loved one who does, and for psychologists and counselors to use with their clients as a tool in therapy.
Romantic Jealousy provides us with a compelling account of the psychology of jealousy. Dr. Pines journeys into the deep recesses of the human mind and heart, exposing the dynamics of jealousy--its causes, symptoms, and danger signs--and the most effective strategies available for keeping jealousy under control.